So before social media reminds you to leave your hollow birthday wishes, I want to point out that it is my birthday. A birthday should be a sacred holiday, a holy celebration of the self and one's innate value. However, I am feeling increasingly as though I have nothing to celebrate or look forward to in this regard.
Unless you are one of my few very intimate friends, you may not be aware that I have been cripplingly depressed for some time now. About 7 months, to be precise. Don't feel bad if you weren't aware or didn't notice; I try not to advertise it too much, and do my best to keep the self-pitying status updates to a minimum, since those simply perpetuate all the negative thoughts and feelings I'm working so hard to kill. I have been doing what I can to keep going, prodding myself along as best I can, but it has been extremely challenging. (In fact, long stretches of inactivity in getting customs done often reflects a downswing of a depressive episode, to be completely honest.) It doesn't help that those intimate friends who know how depressed I am seem to think I'm failing at this so hard. So consider this my cry for help.
I stopped asking for birthday parties when I was about 12. They had just become another reward my parents could take away from me at the slightest infraction. If it was ever about celebrating my existence, the message I got was that my existence wasn't worth celebrating if I got in a fight with the neighbor kid or talked back to my parents. I didn't have another party again until I decided to plan a party for my 20th birthday. I wanted it to be a reading party, where everyone brought a favorite book to read and share. I even made a cake that was an opened Beatrix Potter book. And despite this being in the middle of my college career, it was a party with no alcohol or drugs.
Ultimately, I felt like the party was a big flop. Yes, my friends and roommates gave me very nice and thoughtful gifts, and unlike my 9th birthday party, more than 2 people actually showed up. But only one friend at the party enthusiastically bought into the whole reading theme (thank you for that, Phil), and one friend did give me books (thank you Ashley... I did finally get around to reading “Norwegian Wood” and “The Road” this past year). No one else really seemed to get it, and it seemed to me they were nodding their heads and smiling uncomfortably through the whole thing, just to pay lip service to the whole birthday tradition. After an hour or two, most of the party goers migrated to a neighboring apartment to have a “real” party, likely involving beer pong.
Since then, I have not been very motivated to plan another party. Besides feeling like I can see through people's facades, I just didn't feel like anyone had much fun. Not even me. The fact that my guests were more interested in drinking than spending time with me spoke to that and, moreover, made me feel like no birthday party of mine could ever be enjoyable for anyone else, since most people's idea of a good time involves a little liquor.
I'm willing to accept that I'm not very in tune with what is fun and what is not. I guess I'm just not a fun person by nature. What I am NOT willing to accept is that alcohol and drugs are the only way anyone can have a good time or relax.
Many of you may know that I am strictly sober. I do not drink or do drugs, and it's hard to even convince me to take an aspirin most of the time. My natural, drug-free childbirth was a point of pride for me, and my intimate friends are frustrated by my reluctance to take psychiatric drugs for my depression (or whatever other mental illnesses they are at a whim to armchair diagnose).
What many of you probably don't know is that, despite this, I do struggle with alcoholism myself. I have been surrounded by alcoholics my entire life, alcoholics who don't understand or refuse to recognize their problems. There are lots of alcoholics in my extended family. The addictive personality is in my blood. And though I am proud of myself for refusing to drink or do drugs, I don't always feel like the people who supposedly love me the most appreciate that about me. On more than one occasion, family and friends have pressured me to drink or do drugs, even when they know very well what my personal feelings are on the matter. Everything from statements like “You should relax more, just have one drink!” to blowing smoke in my face to try and give me a contact high. And I'm not talking about peer pressure in high school. I'm talking about my adult life here. Despite my dedication to sobriety and resistance to peer pressure, the temptation is still there. In my darkest moments, when I am feeling the most hopeless and trapped, when I am at a very low point in my depression, I know it because I will start having one of two thoughts: “I wish I was dead” or “Maybe I should have a drink/smoke.” Both thoughts terrify me equally.
There is nothing particularly special about turning 26. This, for all intents and purposes, should be just another birthday of mine that gets glossed over. Frankly, I don't expect anything this year besides maybe a dozen or two “Happy Birthday!” messages on my Facebook wall (though I have already gotten a few well-wishes here on DA). I might even get a personal phone call from a friend if I'm lucky. Most of my friends are pretty broke too, and there wasn't much to go around for Christmas, so I'm not counting on any physical gifts either. But I did want to ask for something. And it's not just something I want; I really need it this year.
I have the great misfortune of having my birthday land on Friday this year, a day when many people celebrate the end of the work week by drinking. (Even worse, January 24th is “Beer Can Appreciation Day”, meant to celebrate the day in 1935 when beer was first sold in cans. Fuck that shit.) If this is you, the very least you can do to celebrate my birthday is abstain from substance use. Use the money you would otherwise spend on your substance of choice to have fun or relax in some other way. And if you can't think of anything, you're welcome to donate that amount to my son's college fund (because giving to others is psychologically more rewarding than giving to yourself, so that should at least make you feel good ). And if you already don't drink/smoke, what precious few of you there are, all I want is for you, my friends and family, to do something positive for yourselves or others. Preferably something inspired by your relationship with me, whatever its nature may be. I'm not sure what you should do. I just want to know that I've been a positive influence in your life.
Here is a gift that will not cost you a dime. In fact, for many of you, it may save you some money. You can even give a bigger gift at no greater expense, in lots of different ways. Convince a friend to join you on your sober day. Post a video of you pouring alcohol down the drain or flushing drugs down the toilet. Stay sober for the whole week, a whole month, a whole year if you can. If you're more than just a casual drinker, if you think you might be an alcoholic, or have any other drug problem, get help. See a doctor or find a support group. If you are sober, but have someone with a substance problem in your life, talk to them about it, tell them you're concerned. If you've already told them, take this occasion to remind them or help them get help. There are countless things you can do. You don't even have to celebrate with me, just let me know that you celebrated.
Maybe you're reading this and you don't know me well personally, but I remind you of someone in your life who is suffering from depression. Do something to show them that they matter, that they've made your life better in some way. It may be just what they need.
This is partly selfish on my part. I need to be reminded that I matter, that I have influenced people in a good way. Most of the time, I feel my good intentions are either completely wasted or impotent. All I really want to do in my life is help other people, and lately I've felt like a complete failure in this regard. Some days I feel like I can't even help myself. This year, instead of sending me another “Happy Birthday” message, I just need to be told that I've had a good influence on the lives of others. I don't think that's too much to ask.
